Feeling Optimistic
Last night I had my last ever alcoholic drink! It feels insane saying that! Although I am completely fine with it, alcohol does nothing for me or you either. As promised I was noting the feelings I had yesterday and attempted to drink mindfully.
The wait for wine o'clock to come around was unsettling, and I am dehydrated. The first sip was just blah, it satisfied my craving and that is about it, a glass or two later and I was feeling numb, just sitting in front of the tv, not really present, served dinner to kids, laughed merrily probably to something that wasn't even funny. It will be nice to have genuine conversations over dinner. My teeth feel weird, like they have a coating, probably all the sugar. and dehydration. I couldn't tell you what we watched after dinner, my husband had to head out for work at around 9pm. Kids went to bed around 10 and I just sat in front of the tv, not taking anything in, on autopilot, sip after sip, certainly no enjoyment, no fun, like a robot. It actually was quite useful, staying mindful and noting each feeling. It really helps to clarify that this is not something I want to continue. Sometime later the bright idea to eat popped into my head. Out come the dumplings into the microwave, just half a packet this time, I note that I am not even hungry and I barely taste the food. It's probably my body wanting to soak up the alcohol after all my healthy eating and exercise. Self sabotage. At about midnight I didn't even finish the contents of my glass, down the sink it went and I went up to bed. Too affected by alcohol at this stage to really take in that this being my last drink.
3am or so I was woke as I often do, random thoughts and worries passing through, frustration at not being able to get back to sleep. Knowing my son will be getting us all up soon for our morning exercise routine. I really want to skip it, how bad is that..... my 13 yo is the one taking responsibility for our fitness.
I do get up and we do our routine, I feel tired, lethargic. And a sense of peace that I will not wake up like this again.
xx💝
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